im going to be 18 in two months and 9 days.
it’s weird. i never expected to get this far. i feel weird and ethereal right now, like im between worlds… it’s almost the end of act 1, and i don’t know how to feel. every moment in my entire life has led up to this day. would suck if it was uneventful; but if i stay in town, then it might be.
i want to run far, far away from here. from the whole east coast, from everyone i know, and start anew. me and my mom are looking for places but we don’t even know where to start. we found a nice apartment in colorado for cheap, but my mom really doesn’t want to move out of this place… she’s scared of change, and honestly, i understand.
im scared of change, too. im scared of cute girls and the unknown and being unloved and people knowing my past and just stagnation. im scared of being forgotten and not being significant in peoples lives and silence and never loving ever again.
i think im aroace.
i don’t want to be. i want to love so, so, bad. but i don’t know if im just scared of a romantic relationship or if i really don’t want one. ive been told having a soulmate isn’t part of my life path. i never thought id be sort of ok with that, and that scares me, too.
i want that feeling of blinding love again, and im starting to forget what it ever felt like. my old memories of love are starting to fade into the void im so afraid of, the nothingness… where once we came from, and where we will return in the end…
10-21-22
it’s weird to think of the image that the people ive left behind have in their minds.
they see this image of despair, someone who was drowning and refused to learn how to swim. who tied weights to their feet and then tied themselves to others. the truth that ive learned now is that others shouldn’t of set themselves on fire to keep me warm.
i won’t act like i was always in the right anymore. i really, really wasn’t. i can forgive myself but others don’t have to forgive me, and that’s fine. i have blips where i miss them. those are moments of weakness that make me cringe. they don’t last long, but they do make me think.
like… does he know im like him now, too? someone who’s died and been reborn in multiple ways? that i hate the two that i once loved for their horrible crimes?
does she know that i listen to the 1975 now, and im finally able to listen to robbers without getting sad?
do they know that im finally alive?
im truly, finally alive.
and i hope they are too.
10-3-22